Waiting and Cleaning

Okay, I know I said I was taking a step back from the whole waiting game and would leave the time table to a higher power to decide when the time is right to finally get our referral.  Over the past few weeks, I have jumped about a mile every time the phone rings and have scoured the Holt Facebook and Yahoo Group pages looking for more news and updates from other prospective adoptive parents.  I have woken up each morning thinking 'today must be the day.'  If I wear my pearl "mom" necklace or my Ethiopia Mom T-shirt, surely the phone will ring.  Any future momentous occasion is a deadline in my mind.  Of course I'll have a referral by the time I ride the Last Gasp.  I'll ride those sixty plus miles with his or her little face at the forefront of my mind, driving me to push through to the finish line.  Then, by October 1st for sure.  The start of a new month, the start of a new phase of this adoption process.  And now, by Paige's birthday (which is tomorrow).  We couldn't possibly wait any longer than Paige's birthday.  But there's a good chance we will.

I have done nothing in the way of taking a step back.  I have used every last fiber of emotional energy and devoted it to attempting to control fate - or at least gather as much information as humanly possible to give me some kind of insight as to when this will finally come to fruition.  Who was I kidding?  Type A personality, master multi-tasker, frequent insomniac, and the most impatient person in the world...take a step back?  Sorry, not possible.

The thing is, there is no control in International adoption.  There is no timeline, no definites, no "normals."  You just kind of have to go with the flow - something that doesn't jive very well with my personality.  But I have to choice, so I stay busy.  As the inn slows down toward the end of the season and I have more time to kill, I have filled my time by cleaning.  First it was my closet - out with the summer attire and in with the winter clothes.  I organized all my shoes (a huge feat for those of you not familiar with my extensive shoe collection).  Then came our bookshelf which, up until two days ago, was overflowing with books.  Abigail and Paige "helped" me divide them into piles - "keep," "donate," "recycle."  Yesterday, I tackled the craft center - a five shelf unit bursting with pipe cleaners, coloring books, Play Dough, stickers, yarn, and oddly, sunscreen (the shelves are near the entrance to our house which I guess explains that).  Again, piles were made.  Bins were procured.  Old coloring books were tossed.  Labels were made.

So I have been cleaning.  And obsessing.  And imagining the day when the phone rings and we can finally announce our news - to each other (we're not sure whose cell phone Holt will be calling), to our families, and to the other adoptive families stalking the Yahoo boards waiting for posts that scream REFERRAL!!!!  Until then, our house will continue to get reorganized and scrubbed from top to bottom.  Happy waiting...