Meeting Kaleb

 

We just returned from 2.5 weeks in Ethiopia. People ask how our trip was and I honestly have no idea how to answer. There is no word or phrase or even five minute conversation that can sum up the vast amount we saw and the range of emotions we felt.  In the Omo Valleyin the south of the country, we visited about a half dozen tribes. Some decorated their bodies with paint while another tribe’s tradition was stretching out the lower lip and inserting enormous discs into the stretched out space. The Hammer tribe women must cover their bodies in an orange clay which is to seep into their skin and shaved heads over a four month period. Only then can they get married. We visited one woman in the middle of this process. The hut in which she was“parked” was hot. Really hot. Yet, there was a blazing fire where the hostess of the house was roasting coffee for us. She served it in huge cups which were like hollowed out pumpkins while her naked toddler wandered over to her and helped himself to some milk from her breast. Conveniently, all the women are topless.

Our travels in the Omo Valley were by Land Cruiser.  No other vehicle could possibly have maneuvered the rocky dirt roads.  Asphalt is a rare luxury in Ethiopia.  We had a driver and a tour guide which sounds frivolous but it’s not.  It’s really the only way to travel in Ethiopia.  Between tribe visits, we stopped at markets where natives traded livestock like cattle and chickens as well as teff flour, coffee beans, hops, and locally produced woven blankets, tapestries and scarves.  We were often the only “forenges” (foreigners) as they called us and they were mesmerized by us.  Children stroked our arms as if our white skin might feel different from theirs.  They wanted me to take my sunglasses off to see my eyes and they ran their hands over our hair.  As we tried to make our way through the markets, they held our hands as if we were BFF’s.  We felt like celebrities. 

We hardly noticed the long drives that often ate up entire afternoons.  There was so much beautiful scenery – mountains and wildlife and PEOPLE.  In cities and villages, they were everywhere, walking the streets, always burdened by a back full of sticks or plastic jugs to transport water.  No one really owns cars so they walked from their village for miles in the hot, dry heat, many of the women sporting long dresses and scarves to cover their heads, to procure supplies.  There was no look of discontent, no complaining.  This was – is – their life.  As we got further from the towns, people would be more sparse, but there would always be a few, here and there.  What surprised us most were the young children, miles from any town, by themselves, just kind of hanging out.  There were two year olds, entirely nude, waiting for us “forenges” to drive by and as we approached, they would do little dances and shout, “hello, hello, hello,” in hopes we would stop and throw a granola bar or something out the window.  But visitors are not encouraged to do this, as tempting as it is.  Our tour guide assured us these children had homes and, like cats, would wander back when they got bored or hungry. 

In the North part of the country, we visited Lalibella – the rock churches and monestaries dating back to the ninth century.  We also spent a couple of unexpected nights at a resort in Deibre Zeyet, an hour and a half outside the capital, and a much needed reprieve from all our travels. Throughout our journeys, we feasted on local cuisine, drank the local wines and beers, and took great pleasure in eating with our hands as is customary.  We saw baboons, camels, mini deer-like creatures called dik diks, crocodiles, hippos, and all kinds of exotic birds.  And of course herds and herds of cows, goats and donkeys, sometimes outnumbering the huge volume of people in the streets.

As time permits over the next weeks (okay, months), I plan to post our day by day adventures.  Because there were many.  But despite the vacation of a lifetime, the highlight, of course, was meeting our son.  On Sunday, March 24th, our itinerary with our adoption agency began.  We flew from the south to Addis Ababa and stayed the night at Lucyland, a guesthouse most families adopting through our agency stay at.  By Ethiopian standards, it has all the bells and whistles including a driver who was happy to take us wherever we wanted and a chef who fed us well.

The next morning, we boarded a van along with another adoptive couple and drove to the agency offices where we were given an overview of Ethiopian culture and what to expect at the care center as well as a massive file with all our paperwork including Kaleb's birth certificate with an infant picture we had never seen. 

Then we drove three hours along the typical Ethiopian bumpy roads to Hossana, stopping along the way for a really great authentic Ethiopian lunch.  We arrived to Hossana early so checked into the hotel - $12/night! - and were told to meet in the lobby in an hour.  We decided to explore the town our son was from since we did not anticipate much more free time during our short stay in the area.  We found a driver who took us in a tuk tuk (three wheel taxi) all over.  He spoke no English, but pointed out different areas of the town and was so proud and gracious that we wanted to see his hometown, that we were several minutes late to leave for the care center - not something we really meant to be late for!!

We cannot yet post full pictures of Kaleb

The drive to the center was short, but felt like an eternity.  My heart was racing.  In just a few minutes, the moment we had been envisioning for the last 2.5 years would come to fruition.  I was prepared for stranger anxiety - tears, fear, possibly not being able to hold him as I so wanted to do.  We entered through a gate and found ourselves in a courtyard outlined with mattresses covered in blankets on which infants and toddlers could play.  There was a group of three children to our left - two boys and a girl.  The girl belonged to the other couple we were with and the care taker presented her to them and after she burst into tears, explained that stranger anxiety is normal and helped them transition and settle down with her.  We hung back taking it all in.  "There he is," James said, pointing toward the two boys.  "Which one?" I asked.  I couldn't seem to match a face to the pictures we had - plus, I wasn't really thinking straight.  Then one of the nannies picked up our son and brought him over to me.  I had trained for this for months - Jill, do not snatch him up and waltz him around the courtyard and expect him to giggle and hug you and never want to let you go.  So instead, I bent down to eye level and said a simple hi.  The nanny offered him to me and he didn't resist.  And that was that.  No crying.  So I hugged him close and again, he didn't resist.  I could have stayed like that for hours, but I decided it was only fair to let James have a chance and once again, when Kaleb was handed off to him, no tears.  Just a chilled out little man with curiosity written all over his face.  We played with him on the mattress and he liked these little plastic links we brought.  Twice, he whimpered, but it seemed to be more of a contagious cry as a result of some other kids melting down.  Once we picked him up and cuddled him, he stopped immediately. 

After more playing and cuddling and walking around the courtyard, the nannies offered coffee (which in Ethiopia you just don't refuse), so we gathered around a table where they placed a basket of popcorn to nibble on.  James, a huge popcorn fan, asked if Kaleb could have some.  They said sure,  but he didn't seem to know what to do with it, so James popped a piece in my mouth to demonstrate that it is food.  Right away, he took a piece and popped it in my mouth.  Then he decided feeding me was fun and he meticulously broke off teeny tiny crumbs of popcorn and continued the game.  When his sippy cup of rice cereal came out, though, that was the end of that.  He grabbed his cup and sucked it down in record time.  He saved a little at the end though, and offered it to me.

When we left that evening, we couldn't stop smiling.  We couldn't have imagined a smoother introduction to our son or a child more perfectly suited for us.  Kaleb is laid back, trusting, and kind and best of all, he loves his food.  He is, indeed, a Meyer.

That evening we ate dinner at the hotel restaurant and once again, our feelings about the virtuous people of Ethiopia were confirmed.  The owner of the restaurant helped us pick some local dishes and took great care in making sure we enjoyed our meal. 

The following morning, we visited with Kaleb again.  We prepared ourselves for a meltdown.  Maybe yesterday was a fluke.  He could very well be in a totally different mood today.  But he was the same mellow little guy we remembered.  He was so mellow, in fact, that he fell asleep on me.  Again, I could have sat like that for hours.  But we had to leave and say our goodbyes.  It was hard to leave, but seeing the wonderful care and love our son was receiving made the departure a little more bearable.

 On Friday, March 29th, we appeared at the court in Addis Ababa where we were escorted into a small room where a judge would make the final ruling on our adoption.  She asked a few questions about our motivation to adopt, our family life, and our plans for maintaining the Ethiopian culture in our son's future.  I guess we answered favorably, because after explaining that the court's decision is irrevocable and confirming that we did, indeed, want to adopt this child (um, yes!!!!), she declared, "Congratulations.  Agegnew (his given name) is all yours."  I cried tears of joy.  We officially have a son.

Holding My Breath

Over the course of the last two and a half years, I have learned not to hold my breath when it comes to anticipating milestones for eventually getting our child. From the moment we submitted application, we hit obstacle after obstacle.  I typically tend to see the glass half full so despite the seemingly endless series of setbacks, I constantly expected things to get better.  But while the adoption process hasn’t soured me and turned my optimism to pessimism, it has forced me to become a realist. 
 
In reality, I don’t think we will be traveling until March.  But in the back of my mind, the positive-thinking Jill still holds hope for a February travel date.  As indicated in my previous post, one of the most recent delays is due to our agency’s license expiring and a backlog of agencies waiting for the same thing.  Without a license, the Ministry of Women in Ethiopia will not issue letters of recommendation for adoptive families and without that letter, no court date will be issued.  And so, on January 25^th our letter was due in court, but did not materialize.  Our case was then issued a new deadline of February 8^th – this Friday for the letter to arrive.  There have been murmurings that the Ministry was to start issuing letters again this week.  Ours would be the first of our agency’s cases (as far as I know) for which the letter is due. 
 
Potentially, then, on Friday, if our letter is received, we could be issued a court date shortly thereafter.  The other caveat, however, is that supposedly Ethiopian courts are closed until February 22^nd.  Yet court dates are still being issued and I have heard that they aren’t exactly closed, but are catching up on a build up of cases.  Are we one of those cases?  I’m not sure.  Optimistically, the letter could be received Friday, a court date could be issued shortly thereafter, and we could be traveling in two weeks.  That is the best case, and highly unlikely scenario. 
 
Worst case scenario is that our letter is not received, we are issued a new deadline date two weeks down the road, we receive a court date soon after that, and travel mid-March.  Well, I suppose that is not worst case scenario, but I can’t emotionally afford to think of every potential thing that could go wrong!
 
Clearly, we have no answers.  And with no answers and vague indications of what actually is transpiring across the world where our son is waiting for us, we cling to hypotheses.  We find ourselves trying to calculate and make sense of something that is futile.  “Well, IF, our letter is received Friday, and they immediately issue a court date and we get a court date even during this supposed closure, we could spend Valentine’s Day in Ethiopia!”  Right.  Even optimistic Jill realizes the impossibility of that one.  Still, over a glass or two of wine at night, we fantasize about the day, hopefully sooner than later, when the voice on the other end of the phone will say, “book your tickets.  You’re going to see your son.”

 

We're Getting There....

It has been awhile since I've posted, but a few important steps have happened in order for us to travel.  On December 18th, we were submitted to court.  This simply means that all our documents have been received by the Ethiopian court and the authorities over there are now working toward getting all the necessary elements in order before we appear in court to make Kaleb's adoption official.  Then, last Friday, January 4th, we received word that our court review date is January 25th.  So, by this date, a specific letter from the Ministry of Women in Ethiopia must be received and the case will be reviewed.  If all goes smoothly, we will be issued a court date shortly thereafter.  This is a somewhat new process and we are one of the first families traveling for court under this procedure.  Previously, there was not a pre-court review date so when families traveled to court, there were occasions when that important letter was not received and the family would have to either wait in Ethiopia or return to the States without having passed court.  The review date ensures that our court appearance will likely go according to plan, but it seems to delay the time from referral to court date slightly.  It also seems, according to a few blogs I've been stalking written by adoptive families who have gone through the new process, that the time from court assignment date to actual travel may be quite short - as little as a week.  So, it is possible that at the end of January we will be assigned a court date and be due in court in early February.  At this point, our estimated date of travel for court is sometime in the first two weeks of February.  Which means that within four weeks, we will likely be setting foot in our son's country.  Crazy!

Despite the fact that the inn is fairly quiet this time of year, we've been running around with our heads cut off trying to think of everything we can to tie up prior to travel.  We have to consider staffing, childcare (there is a good chance we will be gone during winter break when there is no school or day care for the girls), and packing (the list of things to pack is daunting...especially when, if you forget something, it is not a matter of simply running to CVS for toothpaste).  We also just found out that one of our interns has decided to return to the UK since one of her friends died and she needs to be with family and friends right now.  We understand and support her decision and have even found a couple students currently in the U.K. who might be available to fill in for her last half of the placement.  There is a lot of paperwork to be done for that in addition to the usual paperwork for filing for our new interns to start in June and our Jamaican staff returning for the summer.  A lot to tie up prior to travel.  So lists are being made, all our close friends and family are on alert, and we are getting super excited to travel.  Oh, and I've had to go shopping for some more conservative attire - long skirts, scarves, elbow length baggier tops, and close toed shoes will be in my suitcase.  And I may even leave my hair straightener at home :)

It still hasn't quite sunk in that this trip will culminate in meeting our son.  James made the perfect analogy - this is like planning a wedding and then having the honeymoon.  You plan and plan and plan for the wedding and that is the focus of what you do for months.  Then, after the wedding, you get to go on an amazing honeymoon which almost took a back seat because of all the wedding planning.  There was no time to get excited about the honeymoon, but that was the best part.  For us, there is so much organizing to do prior to travel - plus, we are planning on extending our trip to explore the North region of Ethiopia while we are there, so we are in contact with a driver over there to help plan that itinerary.  With all the check lists and organizing going through our heads, it hasn't quite registered that our son will be the honeymoon at the end of all this orchestration.  And yet, as unreal as it seems right now, I know that a year from now, when he is home and it is hard to imagine life without him, all this work will be worth it.  And to be honest, I loved planning our wedding - one of the happiest days of my life.  It is work and a lot of unknown timeframes, but I am loving this time - there is a lot of adrenaline in us when it comes to love.

Approved..finally

This blog has temporarily been hijacked by James. What does that mean? Expect a dry, to the point blog. Maybe when Jill has a free moment (very few these days) she can add a little humor.

Typical USCIS approval takes 45 days. We need this approval to bring an orphan into the United States. It is also the last thing we need to mail in our otherwise completed dossier. When we hit day 60 on January 10th, we decided to call. Why the delay? Do you need more information? Unfortunately, we were told that since the address was wrong on the original paperwork, our application was put in a holding pattern. Then, USCIS hired temporary workers who passed our paperwork off to someone else. Ugghh..

Thankfully, a few days before we are due to fly to Naples to visit Nana, our approval arrived. The final piece of paperwork we needed to mail off our dossier. So, Friday, our dossier was overnighted to our adoption agency Holt.

So what's next? On Monday Holt will get our dossier. They then have to approve it and then we get put on a waitlist for a referral. There have been some recent changes with Ethiopian adoption which are leading to longer wait times. When we started this process, we were expecting a 3 to 9 month wait, but probably 5 months. With the recent changes, we are told it may take about 12 months. So, why we hoped to bring our child home by the end of this year, we maybe looking at the middle of next year. So now, all we can do is hope that this stage goes quicker than we think. Here is to hope.

Final Home Study

On Friday, October 1st, we had our third and final home study, this time at our house. I made sure to have Tab on hand for Deb (that's the innkeeper in me) which she was pretty stoked about and plenty of cookies from the inn which Hailey, her daughter seemed to enjoy. We showed Deb around the house and answered questions about our finances, where the new baby would sleep, etc. Since we own the inn and the mortgage for our house is included on the inn's books, our financial status looks really weird on paper. Deb said she might have a hard time explaining our lack of ownership or renting, but will figure something out. Hopefully this will not hold up the process.

After the hour or so visit, Deb told us that she had bumped us to the front of her homestudy piles since we had completed all the paperwork so quickly and had done our homework, so to speak. We are now just waiting for her to write up the homestudy in order to move forward with the process. She guesses she will be done in about two weeks so we are eagerly waiting for this piece and have all documents then ready to send off to immigration for approval so we can get an appointment to get our fingerprints done in Boston.

In the meantime, we have been reading others' blogs about their own process, we took an online adoption course which was one of five that we are required to take. It was called "Let's Talk Adoption" and to be honest, was mostly kind of lame, but gave a few good pieces of advice like the idea of telling the child's birth and homecoming story at each birthday as a tradition. James also surprised us all with a surprise that came in the mail - tee shirts for all of us with "Mom," "Dad," "Sister," and "Ethiopia" across the front. Abigail opened and distributed them all and we were all excited to "advertise" our plans. James has also been avidly investigating travel plans and following the Holt Ethiopia Adoption Yahoo group for tips and to learn about the timelines on others' progress. His enthusiasm is obvious and I'm so excited that he is so excited about the process.

And so we wait...

Burried in Paperwork

I have dubbed this James' pregnancy. He is the paperwork guy, the deadline guy, the spreadsheet guy...you get the picture. True to form, James has us on the fast path to paperwork completion. Since we officially began the process and submitted our application on August 30th, we have completed two of our three home study appointments and have our third scheduled for Friday. All our paperwork has been completed, notorized and submitted and believe me, there is a LOT of paperwork - birth certificates, marriage certificates, passports, medical records, finger prints, police clearance - you name it, the government needs it. It's kind of ironic considering anyone can just get pregnant, but I get it.

Our first home study appointment was on September 10th and we met with Deb Peckham of Angel Adoptions. Since Holt, the adoption agency we are using, does not have a Massachusetts office, we selected one of their sister agencies to do our homestudy and act as our social worker. There were four Massachusetts agencies from which to select and Deb's personal phone call and easy conversation led me to select her agency without a second thought. When we showed up at her doorstep in Canton, about a 90 minute drive from us, my decision was immediately solidified. Deb was the epitomy of eccentric Jewish social worker and I'm not saying this to be stereotypical. My mom is Jewish and would appreciate every word of what I just said. She was drinking a Tab and while I have a "thing" about not liking the idea of soda, I loved that this was her beverage of choice. We chatted in her living room, her two dogs, Lola and Sadie snuggled in our laps and occasionally jumping up to eat a piece of paper that dropped to the floor. During the hour and a half we were there, we covered everything from why we were choosing to adopt to our parenting style (um, ad lib?), to our reasons for specifically choosing Ethiopia. When we left I felt one step closer to bringing our baby home, but knew there was a lot of work and waiting ahead of us.

As I suspect many families adopting from abroad do, we have been emersing ourselves in learning about the Ethiopian culture. What better way to reinforce our learning than to experience an authentic Ethiopian meal? So we went a little out of our way after our home study appointment to Cambridge where ethnic restaurants line the streets near MIT. At a restaurant called Asmara, we enjoyed a chef combo for two which we ate at little round basket-like tables with our hands.

James even had his first Ethiopian beer, Hakim Stout.

With full bellies and spice scented fingers, we made our way home, dreaming up names and visions of our new baby along the way.

Our second home study (September 20th) was much the same, this time with individaul appointments and a lot of briefing on our own childhoods and our parents' philosophies about parenting, etc. As usual, Deb, Tab in hand, was easy to talk to and seemed genuinely impressed at the rapid speed with which we had submitted all our paperwork to her office.

We have scheduled our third home study for Friday, October 1st and have completed all the documentation Angel Adoptions requires. Until our home study is written up, there is little to do, but wait....